I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
