I'm going to jail i love you
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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