I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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