:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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