I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Someone stole a lamp last night.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
