Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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