Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
