the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Floor bacon is actually really good
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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