He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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