im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
