she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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