I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
