Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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