What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
