We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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