Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
