Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
