So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
It's just like the Real World with babies
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize