This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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