I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
