and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
