I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
