I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
