Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
