I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
