I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
