I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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