we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
