I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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