ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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