so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
