There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
