But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
