I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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