I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
