i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
