nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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