Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
