we made out on top of his cat.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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