if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize