I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize