yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
