it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
