Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
there is glitter all over my balls
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
