I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
