I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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