Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
FUCK WHALES
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