Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
