yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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