we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
