He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
two words: eviction party
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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