i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize