Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
