i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
