I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Randomize
