I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
