Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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