She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize