Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
