I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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