dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
