I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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