there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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