Don't make out with my wife yet
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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