I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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