I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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