Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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